So.... I started today feeling completely and utterly broadsided. You know that feeling when you open your eyes semi-conscious and not fully engaged in the "idea of morning...a new day"....you're just not really awake yet...and then you physically lift your head from the pillow/mattress/floor (wherever you call "bed") and suddenly feel like a pack of wild buffalo or herding gazelle completely trample your body???? Yeah...well maybe not that dramatic, but you get the point.
Basically I woke up to the strangest feeling. And all day I have been thinking. Thinking about my life, my goals, my dreams, my character, my emotions, my now. I guess I've re-connected with certain parts of "me" that I was so close to losing touch with. For starters: I usually view my stubborn independence as something that is looked down upon. I used to be so "needy", I guess you could say, until an experience occurred where I had no choice but to focus on who I, Madeleine Mula, could be defined as. I was left with nothing but hope, faith, and steadfast belief in the Bigger Power that I serve and rely on. From that moment on, I became very independent. And I laugh when I say that (type that...whatever, you get the point) because I am so convinced that "I" can do (insert task here) quickly and efficiently and basically can just DO whatever, that I tend to run myself over. But something that I've just come to grips with today, is that the odyssey of my life is based on things that I've had to do with confidence in who it is God created me to be...independent of all other earthly and human things. Just me and God.
I've grown increasingly closer to a part of my relationship with the Lord that I can't even really explain. It's not a "hype" of excitement...its almost as if the romance of my love and respect for the Lord has gone to a deeper understanding. I say "understanding" because it's not about levels. I don't believe that there are "levels of Christianity". You either have a relationship with the Lord or not...bottom line. But I feel so confident in Christ. So much, to the point of where I KNOW He sees me...right where I am. He takes that bit of independence and stubborn-ness...my persistence of seeing that everyone is better than okay and pleased...my overwhelming emotional passion for life that can be---overwhelming...the constant need I have to "do"....and my inability to say "no". Yeah, He takes all of that and makes...me. He perfects all of the imperfections to the point where I no longer look upon them as imperfections. They're more like "highlights" to the ode of Madeleine. haha.
Anyway--- I'll continue to journal both electronically and manually and talk/type out my thoughts....It's kinda therapeutic. haha.
Go fig...this is probably my therapy...nuff said.