No Pitty Party

I cried myself to sleep last night (do NOT feel sorry for me....I needed it).... And it felt really really good. I suffer from a chronic case of "Keep it all in until it boils over".  I'm not super proud of it; it's just one of those ways that I "convince" people of how strong I am.  Right.  Anyway---Yesterday was just the end-all-be-all for me.  I had started work way earier than I was supposed to...and didn't get home until 7pm.  I was supposed to be at a women's event with my mom at 7pm...so that, of course, put a damper on things.  But regardless, we still went.  And boy, did I need to hear every single word that was said.  My goal, originally was to give you guys some nugget that she shared with us...but if I even started, this entry would turn into a novel. :)  So, I'll just try and recap some points. 
Joshua 3:1-5.  She disected these 5 verses and really dug deep into 4 things that Joshua acted on as a human being...and as a Christ follower...when he was about to lead the children of Israel into the promise land (see, I can tell I'm about to go off on a tangent--fantastic).  Verse 1:  He rose early in the morning...He acted IMMEDIATELY in obedience. Verse 2:  When they were staring at the Jordan River....He acted FEARLESSLY (You have to understand that the Jordan River, at the time of year they were crossing, was when the winter snow was melting down the mountains and GUSHING into the Jordan.  It was 5 times wider than it normally was and very fierce...so imagine staring at that thinking "I'm crossing over that????!!??!) Verse 3-4:  He acknowledged God's presence before he made a move.... "you have not passed this way before".  Verse 5:  Joshua anticipated God's miracles! Act today like God is who He says He is :)

really really challenging!!! I seriously am just loving reading over my notes.  Totally helping me make it through today and reminding me that God is NOT a God of fear!
1 John 4:18
2 Timothy 1:7
Psalm 91:1-2
Hebrews 13:6,8
John 14:27
Psalm 31:24

But anyway---the reason that I cried myself to sleep last night was because there was a culmination of emotions that were just raging through.  I'm in a season of life where I'm finding and discovering my purpose here in this life.  And if you are someone with my personality, you know that is very very difficult.  I've always had a plan...and you'd think that I've learned that it NEVER goes according to "plan"... I'm one that needs to feel like I'm actually doing something to help others out.  I cannot stand complacency.  I cannot stand just "accepting that this is my life".  I always strive for more....because I know that God has created me for something other than "what I am doing right now".  And the hardest part of it all:  no close fellowship with girl friends.  I used to have that in college, but when I moved back home...it kinda dissipated (understandable bc we dont live anywhere near each other).  And I've learned that talking with a guy about what's going on NOW is rather difficult---guys are problem solvers.  They tell you what you NEED to hear...now what you WANT to in that moment.  Sometimes a girl just needs for a friend to pout with her for a time...and then tell her the hard truth. 

Anyway---that's why I was crying.  Just a hard place in life right now.  I'm soooo freakin happy about what is about to come!!! It's the selfishness inside of me that is restless with what my life is going to mean.