Okay...so we are about to get into some serious honesty waters. Just to forewarn: I'm going to be very honest...and just write/type (whatever). It's already very apparent that I am a passionate person. So since that is already established, there is really no need for me to try and justify it :) haha.
For many many years (well, it really seems like as long as I've been alive), I have struggled with figuring out that big questionmark...life. Yes, this is a very common struggle. Something very normal, especially during the ages 18-25. But I've started to realize that everytime I get in "that place" where I just feel like I'm "existing" (and not moving forward in anyway/making a difference) it goes back to ONE single concept. What is that thing that has been embossed as a distinct passion in my heart? Worship. Yeah, I'll say it again....worship. I didn't say lead, I didn't say sing, I didn't say play....I just said worship...because that is what I meant.
There is a purity to the word whenever I hear it or say it...whenever I contemplate it and meditate on it. But I feel as if that purity has been slightly altered over the years...by human-nature. We're all human. Yes, thank you Captain Obvious. So, this is not a "bashing session". I'm just being honest...opening up, I guess. Let's take a few steps back....
Picture the most self-less scene you can imagine. Have you ever been overseas? Or in part of town where there are MANY people that fit into that "less fortunate" catagory? Then....picture their worship. Can you feel the heart of the people? It's not about what it sounds like....or what vocalist or instrument is coming in when...or where exactly the direction of the song is. It's simply about the heart. No matter who you are, something happens inside a person when music is played. Whether they start dancing, jumping up, singing, tapping their foot, or running for cover because the mere sound of a beat leads them to a migraine :). So yeah, something happens. It all goes back to the physiology of our bodies...of our heart. Yeah, I said it...I'm a biologist. Our heart is wired to a "beat". Without the syncronization of the lub dub, there really is no life. Therefore, nothing gets done. So when I say it all goes back to "the heart"...I'm not kidding.
Okay, back to the point. There is a purity that exists there. A wholeness and innocence that can really only be experienced. So when I say that I'm just "not feeling it"...I mean I'm having a hard time connected with the purity of the worship. Yes, there are other cards that come into play: bitterness, the enemy coming in, anger....all that stuff. But I'm simply talking about the purity of worship. It just really makes me sad. Because worship is so simple to me. Simple. And I believe that's how it was intended to be.
I know that the Lord is preparing me. I know that He is creating a song inside of me...whatever it may look like (and it doesn't even have to be music related). I've already been alotted to see images of the masterpiece...I mean, He's already blessed me so much with my family, career, Griffin....what more could a girl want? :) It's just so funny how the Lord reveals His plan in increments...
I'm blessed, and I'm happy.